Avatar Must Be Stopped!
1/23/2010 12:55:00 AM
kenmouse
, Posted in
Avatar isn't a movie! It's a menace! A cigarette-pushing, depression-causing, brain-hemorrhage-inducing menace!And it must be stopped before it topples Titanic and wins the Best Picture Oscar!
Here's how you can help defeat James Cameron's big, blue threat:
• Stop buying tickets. Seriously, just stop—and stop acting like you've never seen such a beautifully rendered fantasy world before, even if you haven't.
• If you become weak, crack open your Vatican newspaper, thumb straight to "This Week in Condemned Movies," and reread the Avatar review until you are convinced the film is "bland." Warning: This may take a while, especially if you've seen the film.
• If after all that, you must buy a ticket, then go 2-D. You'll save money, you'll starve out Cameron, and you'll be spared the sight of that beautifully rendered fantasy world that'll only make you want to visit Pandora again and again and again.
• Email your Congressional representative, and ask him or her to follow the lead of the Chinese government, and call for the removal of Avatar from theaters. Be sure to note that you were especially aghast at how Avatar's Na'vi tried to stand in the way of bulldozers progress.
• Hit the following talking points with friends who are considering seeing Avatar for the first time: "Say, Sally, haven't you heard Avatar is (1) racist, (2) leftist and/or (3) sexist." If your friend says no, she's only heard it's the greatest, simply accuse her of being a fascist. (Best. Argument ender. Ever.)
• Support Saturday's SAG Awards, where Avatar's not nominated for anything, and Nine will—finally!—be given a chance shine like a Daniel Day-Lewis dance number!
Whatever you do, do it now. Time is running out. Box-office trackers expect Avatar to overtake Titanic as the world's biggest moneymaker. Oscar watchers expect Avatar to be the film to beat at March's ceremony. And we expect nothing but bad news if both of those things come to pass.
A world where Avatar is the king of the world is a world where big-budget action movies can no longer say, Hey, we're just big-budget action movies, what do you want from us—a message? A story? A freakin' communal experience that inspires thought, debate and maybe even hope?
Make the world safe for G.I. Joe sequels, Michael Bay explosions and mindless entertainment. Shut down Avatar now.
Please. Before we go see it again.
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